SORRY FOR THE JOURNAL DOUBLE WHAMMY. I want to update now though to minimize any undue worrying that you wonderful people may do [ people that I absolutely do not deserve to be in the presence of, I'm very lucky and thankful for you ]
Status Update: I have slept. I slept last night very solidly, like the dead with no dreams for at least 9 hours. I think 10. [ which is incredibly long for me ]. I have recovered to the point of being able to function fully, though I'm feeling very weak, still a bit tired, and the heart pounding/adrenaline remains to some degree.
I have a game plan now. We are seeking out a family doctor to give all of the ER's test information to. We're going to ask about many options and try to come up with a long term plan for improving my health. Ignoring the problems and repeatedly letting my body degrade to the point that I need to go to emergency is clearly not working.
I also have a personal game plan.
This morning I woke up and did not go to my computer. I made a real breakfast with eggs, then I sat down in the living room and watched cartoons for more than a single hour and didn't look at my phone. I took a multivitamin with my breakfast and had tea. Once I finish this journal entry, I'm going to go for a slow paced walk to the grocer a few blocks away and pick out some fresh meat and veggies for lunch.
I'm giving my body flowers and an apology for how I've been treating it. I can't ignore the possibility that my episode was a direct result of my vicious neglect for my own well being and my complete lack of balance with my current obsession.
I wasn't kidding when I was talking in comments these past two weeks when I said I wasn't doing anything other than digital art. I really, seriously, wasn't. I woke up, stuffed some random instant food in my mouth, went straight to my comp to draw, and would sit there until dinner when I'd force myself to make dinner and spend a single hour with Alan absentmindedly while furiously checking my phone. Then back on to my computer until 1 in the morning. I did this for a few weeks. The house was getting dirty, my face was breaking out in zits [ I normally have very clear skin ], laundry piled...
The most damning evidence is something I realized in the ER while hooked up to everything. My heart rate would sometimes slow a bit and almost approach normal, but then I'd think about my characters or my comic- boom, right back up to 100-120. I didn't want to connect the dots.
I think I may have literally obsessed myself into the hospital.
So, while that puts the blame even more heavily on myself, I'm going to try and accept this situation for what it is and just go to my personal game plan.
• Exercise. I completely stopped since I've been reaching my weight loss goals with food management. But exercise isn't just for weight, I think I need to consider it much more seriously for mental health.
• Time away from art. I need to watch more netflix or something. Play a video game. Harvest moon is coming out in a couple days. I have to give myself some brain down time.
• Forgive. I'll need time for this one but I need to try.
So, that's what's happening now. I also want to shout out to anyone who's been watching or commenting, or just lurking. I really appreciate you. I'm incredibly lucky to have friends who care for me. Thank you.
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