*gnashes* big changes. I feel like my life is changing. Or I'm changing. I think the second thing.
Things got bad a few times and I learned some big lessons. It really hurt but I'm thankful for the proverbial fire trials now. I don't think I realized just how much I was hiding. I left high school and spent every day moving in a direction that meant being a better person. It's just now clicking that I don't even want to be a person.
I was building up these big fake walls out of fear of judgement, but they didn't even work. I still lost it, I still got judged, and I still had a shitty time. So why the walls? I'm getting rid of them. I don't like nice things, I don't like what other people like. I have bad taste and that's okay.
I think a big catalyst in this eye opening has been working on my daily art challenges. Forcing myself to think of ideas, take the time to draw them, then ask myself 'why' has been a very introspective experience. I wasn't expecting it to be like this at all, but I'm glad it is. Through opening my mind back up I've found all this inspiration, and more importantly, the courage to go through with it.
My courage is changing too. I was so so afraid of everything. But now I'm talking. When I finally told myself it's okay to create and think things that other people don't like, my fear of other people began to lift. I'm not saying I'm fearless now but I feel a difference. I was at 2% and now I'm at 25%. My IRL friends are noticing too I think. I've actually talked about my art briefly with them. That's an enormous leap. My BFF, she mentioned she saw one of my daily challenge pics THAT I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT HAHA [ It's super NSFW ] and I didn't fall apart or anything. The world kept on spinning.
I don't want to sound too hopeful, but I think it's even affecting my social anxiety. When I spend the day at home drawing, giving myself permission to feel whatever I want and create with it, I leave the house with a sense of being okay with it. When I'm more okay with me, I'm more okay with how other people see me. Does that make sense..? I don't know.
It's very strange. I feel almost like I'm forgiving myself.
I'm not going to down-play it, I'm excited. I'm actually excited to see where this is going. I feel like I'm in a metamorphosis and I want to see what comes out on the other side. I have a good feeling about it. And I....actually want to show others too. I want to meet my new face and show it to the world.
I'm on #49 of my daily pics. Super close to submitting the next dump. Then it's fanart time and it looks like Volga's winning. I'm surprised at the response to my poll XD I thought my choices were more popular things! Damn I must be getting old. I mean I know Ape Escape is ancient but geez. [ I'm still doing it by the way I don't care what the poll says
I also have the vague rumbling of EVEN MORE GODDAMN COMIC. I originally made the first 'page' of Aftermath thinking it was one-off, but now I keep thinking of ways to continue it >_> will I never be freeeee? I'm going to give some serious thought to how I'll present the next chunk though. The current setup is enormously time consuming and almost destroys my computer near the end [ my photoshop was choking so hard at the end of the last one that I couldn't even use certain tools ]. I may try making page-sized pages and submitting in smaller chunks instead of these long-ass 7 page long things. That's more annoying to read for the end user though so I don't know.
Whatever. I still have two daily pics and some fanart to churn through so I have time to think about it. I need to get it solidly written out too, I'm not even at the point where I can thumb it out. It'll have much more fun to draw backgrounds though, and Raven will finally have some panel-time of her own.
As for jewellery...well I'll be honest here it's kind of at the back of my mind. I'm going manic over digital stuff right now. I'll keep doing stuff obviously since it's my day job but I'm going to have to try not to phone it in. Maybe I'll re-sketch some planned pendants. I have a couple pokemon pendant sketches that I've been avoiding because I'm trying to use less copyrighted content. I'm thinking I'll rework them into a cat and a fox. That offers me more paintjob options as well. I know people like and want pokemon more but I have to start thinking of this as a long term business thing. And I certainly don't want any more 'Toothless' situations on my hands. ugh.
Also does anyone have a magical solution to getting Paint Tool Sai to work on a mac? I keep seeing other people's art [ particularly the lineart... ] it's driving me insane I want to tryyyy it. I want to. I want to stick my grubby disgusting garbage hands all over it.
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